


Raisins and rice and everything vile

by SweetAlphaChild



Series: Tobidei Week 2018 [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Humor, M/M, Non-Consensual Hugging, TobiDei Week, TobiDei Week 2018
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-02
Updated: 2018-10-02
Packaged: 2019-07-16 11:24:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16085147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SweetAlphaChild/pseuds/SweetAlphaChild
Summary: "Don't touch me with your dirty pilaf hands, hm!"





	Raisins and rice and everything vile

**Author's Note:**

> Tobidei Week 2018
> 
> Day 3: Food

Deidara's nose wrinkled in disgust the moment he stepped into the kitchen.

"Hello, Deidara-senpai!" his partner chirped, sitting at the table with a mocking smile on his face. He had his mask on, but Deidara didn't need to see his face to know it.

He stared at him in silence, noticing how his mood soured with each passing second. That nauseating stench was one of the things he hated the most. He walked fast to the table and rested his hands with contained fury on its surface.

"You've polluted the kitchen again, haven't you, Tobi? How am I going to make dinner now!?"

"That's not a problem because I have a bit left over. It's there, in that closed pan," he said, pointing at the stove.

"Eww!" Deidara couldn't help a grimace of disgust.

Covering his nose and mouth with the sleeve of his tunic, Deidara walked around the table and opened the window to let in fresh air.

"Why do you make rice pilaf if you know I hate it, hm!?"

Tobi raised an index finger in the air.

"Pilaf rice is very nutritious, senpai! I already thought about you, so I cooked it while you were out and I hurried to eat it precisely because I know how much you hate it."

Deidara wouldn't uncover his nose until the smell had gone completely.

"I think I'm gonna eat out until the kitchen is decontaminated," he said, annoyed by Tobi's mocking laugh.

"What exactly do you hate so much about rice pilaf?"

Deidara remembered when he was a little boy and his mother grabbed him by the jaw to force him to eat pilaf laden with wrinkled and repulsive raisins while he cried as loud as the capacity of his lungs allowed. He had always detested raisins, and the smell created by the combination of spices typical of rice pilaf displeased him. Deidara didn't plan on putting that stinky rice in his body anytime soon, even if it was a raisin free recipe. His hatred was already irreversible.

"Raisins don't go in rice! They don't go anywhere, hm! It offends me to see them spoiling a bowl of otherwise perfectly edible rice!"

"Is that it? Let me take them off for you."

"That wouldn't do any good, since the taste of raisins is transferred to the rest of the ingredients."

"Ah... Such a fussy eater you are, senpai... Raisins are so yummy and sweet and have a lot of fiber and..."

Deidara took a breath and uncovered his nose for a moment to give his speech better.

"I'm not going to put any of those rotten grapes in my mouth! We must accept decay, the deterioration of things! Raisins are just grapes trying to overcome mortality without understanding that life is fleeting and nothing lasts forever, hm! I'll never support such a food!" He looked suspiciously at Tobi when he started to laugh out loud. "What is so funny!? It's true!"

"You really rely on your vision of art for absolutely everything in life! I can't believe it!"

"Of course I do! What's wrong with that!?"

"You're the best, senpai," Tobi said, Deidara didn't know how to take it. "Well, you don't know what you're missing."

"I didn't expect you to understand, either," he replied, resigned. "See you later, I'm going to another place where the air is purer."

Tobi got up, going after him.

"Can I go with you?" he said, reaching out to grasp his arm, Deidara turned away from his path, scandalized.

"Do not touch me with your dirty pilaf hands!"

"But I washed them!" Tobi protested.

"Well, wash them again!"

"I know! I'll do it for a kiss."

Deidara backed away, fearing the worst.

"Are you kidding? I'm not giving you a single kiss until you brush your dirty pilaf teeth, hm," he said, crossing his arms.

"Oh, you hurt me, Deidara-senpai," Tobi whined, pretending to be hurt. "Don't you love me?"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

Tobi moved closer, Deidara stepped back in equal proportion.

"Wouldn't you give me a tiny kiss just because I ate pilaf? That's cruel!"

"What is cruel is that you expose me to those...!" He cut himself off in the middle of his sentence when he saw Tobi turn the mask and wrinkle his lips, moving further. "Listen you dumbass, if you want that kiss, go brush your teeth!"

In a sudden and unexpected movement, Tobi imprisoned him against the wall.

"I can't believe you hate pilaf more than you love me. I am so sad..."

Placing his hands against Tobi's chest, Deidara pushed with all his might.

"I never said that! And I maintain that there will be no kiss, hm!"

"Then a little hug!" he exclaimed. "Come on! Give me at least a hug. You won't be so cruel as to say no!"

"Tobi! Stop fooling about!" he cried as Tobi wrapped his body in his arms, he swore he could smell the pilaf. "Ugh!"

Deidara tried to free himself from the hug, twisting his body with all the strength he had.

"See, senpai? It wasn't as bad as you thought. Everything is fine."

Resigned, he rested his chin on his shoulder.

"It will be fine when you wash your hands and brush your teeth, hm."

"Ah, right. Now the kiss!"

"Stop!"

Smiling, Tobi placed both hands on his cheeks.

"A little one!"

Deidara got tired of watching how Tobi used his weakness against him. Hanging on his neck, he pressed his lips against Tobi's, in a kiss deeper than Tobi seemed to be expecting. Fuck pilaf, he had to keep what he had left of pride. After making it clear who was in charge, he let the kiss become calmer until it stopped completely.

"You don't taste gross, hm. Was it true that you brushed your teeth?"

"I'll tell you one thing, senpai. That rice pilaf wasn't mine, it was already there when I got to the kitchen, but I couldn't help to mess with you," he smiled, Tobi had fooled him, Deidara was speechless, staring at him like an idiot. He was going to kill him. "I love you."

And with that he vanished in the air. Deidara clenched his fists, also his jaw until his teeth creaked. He hated feeling stupid.

"TOBI!" he yelled with all his might.

**Author's Note:**

> A short one, because I always wanted to write about Deidara and pilaf after reading that according to the Databook this is his least favorite food. It was hard to think a reason why he would hate it, although sometimes behind the foods we hate there is not one, we just don't like them. Although forcing us to eat what we hate during our childhood, it contributes to hatred. #truestory
> 
> The title is a tribute to the intro of the powerpuff girls. "sugar and spice and everything nice" . I tried a title with the same structure, but that would keep the rhyme xD It was hard to find a word that would fit, and then "vile" came to the rescue.
> 
> Happy Tobidei week!
> 
> Happy Tobidei week and thanks for reading: D


End file.
